i dedicated my morning wood to you.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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