And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
