I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
