I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
