i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
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