Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
my being single is dangerous.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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