We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
