I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
