i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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