Apparently you make a good broom.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize