Got a toothbrush?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
