you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
