Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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