nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize