im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
