I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
