Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
