He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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