I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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