chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize