They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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