the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
How does it feel to date your dad?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
