guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
