Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
