shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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