he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
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