Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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