I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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