She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
