I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
