Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
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