your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize