When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
The best revenge is premature balding
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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