A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
