walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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