can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
