How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
