thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
