i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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