you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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