i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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