last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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