her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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