Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
