I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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