I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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