Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
