I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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