I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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