burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
