mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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