i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
