so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
