Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
