we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
