I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
