It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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