I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
