When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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