i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Be still, my beating vagina.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
