Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
