glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
